World Mental Health Day & my recent battle with depression

October 10, 2019 1:52 pm

Well hot damn, its been a minute since I last blogged!
I’ve been avoiding you, I’ll be honest.
But absolutely, most importantly I’ve realised, I’ve been avoiding myself.

But this week is World Mental Health Week and one thing I have never avoided,
has been being open about my mental health. After all, this business has been built from a space of my poor mental health and my journey of owning it; how makeup & connecting with you incredible women has given me purpose and a platform to merge, what I believe, is a distance between a woman and her self worth.

But its so much easier for me to see others inability to see just how fucking incredible they are and be there to use a tool to allow them to see that. What isn’t so easy, is for me to see it for myself.

I mean, I would be a fool if I didn’t acknowledge how massive these past 18 months have been. Hell, these past 3 years. Since finally stepping into my authenticity and having my weight loss surgery and opening the Geelong salon 3 years ago, I have worked like a dog. And I don’t lie on that. To the detriment of many things around me, I have been dedicated to building the business, from some really hard lessons and situations in business, but I have done so with only one intention: to create a brand that can do something a little differently. Providing high end hair and makeup applications with a huge customer service focus, that changes the way the beauty industry impacts women and their self worth.

I’m the first one to admit in those 3 years many a mistake was made. I have made bad decisions, poor choices and haven’t done things perfectly. And sometimes I’ve done it at the cost of not fulfilling my core intention. And that kills me.

But here is where I have come to: I can’t do it all.
And with trying to do it all, and being a brand new mumma too, has meant I have stumbled.

I know, I know, it all seems like I have put a lot of pressure on myself but I don’t think its just me.

So Ima gonna lay it out bare, in the essence of World Mental Health Week and me being true to myself.. these past 6 months have been the hardest and worst of my life.

But please, don’t tell me that Addie should be the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and that opening another salon should be done with feeling really good about myself. I fucking love the shit outta my girl and she is a burning light that has kept me going when I didn’t think I could but this isn’t about her, this is about me. She is pure and innocent and I am trying to clean up a bloodbath of shit my childhood and early life has thrown at me. Not the right time for that, but onto the present..

Trying to learn how to be a mum, run the Geelong salon, and design/project manage/set up the new South Melbourne salon has been too much to ask of myself and I have found myself in a pretty deep depression and anxiety hole.

I have tried clambering my way out, time & time again, but I just cant. Those who suffer from mental health stuff know what I’m saying. So many people can preach about the need to add exercise, mindfulness, self love, reaching out, rituals, taking a break, massage, laughing, wine etc etc etc but actually. That’s not what I need to do right now. Right now I need to just stop. I need the world to stop telling me what I need. I need for the noise of social media and its debilitating ability to knock your self esteem and self worth right out of you, to quieten. I need the world to start being a little bit more gentle. I need to stop asking the world whats wrong with me.

There are so many books, podcasts, posts, videos, articles, people and moments giving us advice.. how bloody overwhelming is it?? If you really stop to take note, we are all so driven to “fix ourselves” and to right our wrongs because society says that we must be perfect. But at some point that pressure to be perfect and to have it all together will cause something to give. Its so easy to feel like a failure when our world is geared to tell us we are. People want to know they can fix someone and to do that, we must tell them they are broken.

And what I am seeing in me, and most definitely in a huge amount of clients is a slide down the poor mental health pole.

Its been something that has popped up in conversation a lot with other industry peers of the noticeable change in our clients behaviour. There has been a really big shift away from the relaxed client and moving towards a client who feels so much pressure on them, that in turn, it comes to us through expectation and demand. Which saddens me deeply.

I’m not worried, I have been in the industry for so many years now that I am there to only support & lift up our clients but it is something that we are seeing getting worse. And the thing that makes me really sad is that its blocking the ability for us to connect. And so my relationships with clients are changing from being about building a relationship that feels authentic and real and so on the day of their wedding/event we can just have the most amazing time.
We do what we do at HHM, legit, is to walk away from a client experience and be buzzing off the interaction and vibe we had created together. But all this pressure and expectation is starting to change those interactions thus the outcomes. These poor brides and women, coming in for some pampering are now so anxious they struggle to really be present and surrender to being in safe hands.

And so, whats going to change? When is this pressure going to ease up?

I said to a friend the other day that, whilst these past 6 months have been the hardest and at times, the worst of my life, I know it will be the making of me. As its driving up all my super super core issues.

And the one thing that’s going to allow me to work through them and to get really comfortable with them being in my life is to stop with the noise and to stop avoiding me.
Stop seeking answers everywhere but find where the answers really lie.. and that’s within me.

And one way to give myself space to figure this out is to find some balance.
Lol.
Is that word even real?

Balance seemed to fly out with window since being a mum and adding the second salon into the mix. BUT if I want to really work this shit out then I gotta find a way.
I have to. Because I only have two options right now, and this is what I have been saying to myself for the past 6 months.. I have two options:

To move forward or
To give up.

And I know which one I will chose, every single time.

So from here?
I have to remember who I am.
I have to block the noise of everything and everyone who’s telling me that I’m not worthy. When all of that is based off actually having nothing to do with me.
The only thing that can tell me if I’m worthy or not, is me.
And right now, Im getting pretty damn sick and tired of always saying Im not.

I want to learn this lesson. For myself.

I only wish that people would be more gentle. Its so easy to wish someone ill will, to fail or to turn your back, when you don’t really know them or the situation. And if we really knew the impact of those actions on a sensitive heart, I think we would rethink out actions. Thank you to any person that has been real, vulnerable, understanding and supportive over the past few months.

We are all fighting our own battles.
Kindness, understanding and empathy are the only things that will get us through.
And its in small deeds, reaching out to say hello, a hug or even just a smile.
Small little moments are what make it easier to manage the bigger moments.

Its one thing to say it, but to mean it is another..
If you are feeling lost and alone, please know that I am always here for you.
Seriously. I’m only a DM, email or call away. But I promise to continue to work on my stuff so that I can be the best version in front of you, for you.

The biggest, deepest of Love,

Hilary x

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